Receiving the diagnosis that I had type 2 diabetes was a shock - I had been convinced I was not actually diabetic, just maybe pre-diabetic. I thought the initial high result was due to all the sugar in the J²O I had drunk the night before the first test and that the second result being so much lower should prove I wasn't diabetic. Sitting across from the diabetes nurse and hearing her say "You have type 2 diabetes" was therefore upsetting. 

It was difficult to take in all that I was being told about the possible long-term effects of having diabetes. I was told that due to the sticky nature of the blood when glucose levels are too high, small blood vessels can become obstructed more easily, causing damage to surrounding tissues. I was told that before there was better understanding of type 2 diabetes it was a primary cause of blindness and the amputation of toes and feet. There were also kidney problems, often leading to a kidney transplant and that the bad type of cholesterol is usually higher in diabetics, so there's a greater chance of heart attack and stroke. With the help of medication and good dietary control these issues can be avoided now, although medication is not without problems because it can cause weight gain, when losing weight is known to be one of the best ways of controlling type 2 diabetes. 

As a Reiki practitioner, I have also seen how often medication that treats one symptom can cause other problems, so prefer not to take medication unless absolutely necessary. I asked the nurse how long she thought I could stay off medication and she predicted 10 to 15 years possibly. I told her that I planned to stay off it for the rest of my life - I think she was sceptical!

My sight is important to me - I enjoy photographing, painting and drawing nature in all its many visual splendours. I've been an avid bird watcher since childhood so the idea of even losing some of my sight was very scary. At my age some reduction in sight is normal - I was 53 at this time and was beginning to find reading small print difficult. However, the weakest over the counter reading glasses seemed to be enough and I hadn't felt the need to go to an optician for several years.

I also more or less dismissed the idea that I might end up needing a kidney transplant - I guess it was just too awful to think about! However, the aspect of possible heart problems or a stroke I took more seriously because my father had died at the age of 58 from a sudden heart attack. I then remembered that he had suddenly lost a lot of weight and I began to wonder whether he had been diagnosed or suspected he had type 2 diabetes (he was a GP). He had certainly never mentioned this to me, but it could explain the weight loss (he became thinner than I'd ever known him in my life!) and also perhaps the heart attack if the changes to his diet and lifestyle came too late. I had always blamed the heart attack on stress and the drastic weight loss, but if he had type 2 diabetes this would be a more reasonable explanation. 

I therefore considered it quite possible that I might have a heart attack or stroke if I didn't do something about my diabetes. However, I had heard about the negative effects of statins (which have now been shown to increase susceptibility to type 2 diabetes) which it was suggested were a possibility if my cholesterol levels were too high. This was a medication I definitely wanted to stay off!

Over the next few days after my appointment, this diagnosis was on my mind a lot. I continued to have feelings of shock and difficulty believing it was true. However, these were soon replaced with feelings of worry and shame.

I was worried about all of the above, but also about what effect having type 2 diabetes was going to have on the rest of my life. Would I end up on medication as the nurse had predicted? Would I die young like my dad of a heart attack or stroke (I had about 5 more years if I was to die at the same age as him!). This brought up worry about the effect that would have on my family. 

I also began to feel ashamed. It was clear that one of the main reasons I had type 2 diabetes was being overweight. I had struggled to lose weight for years and like so many people had managed to lose about 5 lb then gradually put it back on again. So here I was now with an incurable disease as a result (or those were my thoughts at the time). The nurse pointed out that I was morbidly obese and that even if I could lose enough weight to be classed just as obese this would help! I felt that I was to blame for it all and this made me feel very miserable. I had wrestled with depression for most of my life and could feel the familiar despair beginning to change my thoughts to negative ones:

"Why bother to try doing anything about it? It's never worked before"

"What makes you think you can change anything like this? It's impossible"

"Haven't you tried so many times to lose weight and it never works?" 

"You're just lazy and greedy"

"Whatever you do don't tell anyone about this - it's too shameful"

"Don't tell your mother she will blame you, don't tell your sister she'll think you only have yourself to blame, which is true of course"

"You're just going to end up blind or dead soon, so why bother doing anything?"

Having discovered an online forum for diabetics I understand these feelings are very common - in fact normal! Faced with a major life change such as this we go through a grieving process and it helped me to recognise this.